Guilt has it's uses and is only experienced by humans. Other animals may look guilty in our eyes but in actual fact they don't experience guilt. They experience fear and behave in a submissive manner to escape punishment. This is different from feeling guilty.
Guilt is meant to help us learn from our mistakes and keep the human race in existence. It is meant to help families look after each other enough to keep the blood line going and to ensure that the strong take care of the weak. It is generally experienced when we have caused some kind of harm, to another person, animal or the world in which we live.
So why is it then, that despite a mother doing all that she can to ensure the happiness and welfare of her offspring, does she then endure a lifetime of guilt? In working so hard to make sure that her children are fed, safe, educated and mostly happy surely she should be going to bed celebrating her achievements every night. But no. This is not the case.
As mothers the guilt starts the moment that we know we are pregnant. We worry about what we ate, drank and consumed before we knew we were pregnant, and it just doesn't stop. Almost every year some new food is on the 'don't eat this if you are pregnant' list and yet we all ate it perfectly happily before it hit this list. We are told that are emotions affect our unborn child, and our born child, and this seems to be the tip of the iceberg.
During the next twenty years we will experience guilt about the time we didn't spend with them, the times we were negative or upset or didn't engage in quality play. The choice of playgroup, kinder, school, secondary school, the clothes they want and we can't afford, the clothes they want and we don't approve, parties we give and the ones where the gift bags contain more expensive presents than the one you sent, haircuts, school camps, shoes, learning to ride bikes, how much television, how much screen time generally, and let's not forget food and drink.
Over the years I've heard of parents asking the doctor in emergency for a plaster cast for the sibling so that they don't feel left out, parents giving the non-birthday child a present or two and I've even heard of parents offering to pay the school to make sure that their child is lead in the school play or musical.
We are so keen and obsessed for our children to be happy that we will do almost anything to make sure that happens, and yet realistically it isn't possible and nor is it good for our children. However that doesn't help in the moment when your child is sobbing uncontrollably about the latest issue they are coping with.
This blog isn't about judging any parent who wanted their child to be happy and did everything they could to keep them happy and contented. It's about exploring why mothers seems to experience such high levels of guilt and finding ways to reduce that, even if it is only by a small amount.
Until next time
Sarah
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